The Excited Vet

In high school, I achieved the status of class clown. A couple of years after high school, I played a big joke on everybody and joined the Army. It was tough being funny in the Army since that trait ran counter to killing. I had a terrible time grasping the spirit of the bayonet, which is to kill. In war, I needed my humor to survive.

Humor, especially dark humor, helped me cope with the pressures of working on the wounded and dying. The sicker the humor the better I was at coping. The act of being funny or making a joke gave me a mental break and increased my objectivity in the face of overwhelming stress. 

The adrenaline is pumping. I hope I don't go blank. The MC begins my introduction. “Ladies and gentlemen direct from the seclusion room at the VA Hospital, The Excited Veteran, Tim Connelly.”

I’m blinded by the light. I have to ad-lib my first line. “Are you folks having fun? Well I am here to change that.”

“I watched a special on PBS about the Great Depression. I tuned in because I thought it was about my life.

I am so screwed up. I got a scholarship for therapy. I tried talk therapy but my therapist was a mime.

I went to a fat persons convention at the Elks Lodge. That was mistake. We ate all the Elk.

I don't have friends. I get the infrequent callers rate and have call not waiting on my phone.

I though about becoming a priest but I was told I was too celibate. So, I decided to join the Army and become a killer. I guess that's way they made me a medic.

I probably could have gone to Canada but I couldn't speak Canadian.

I have been thinking about writing a book about the war. It will be called. “I Saw The Whores Of War And Boy Were There Prices Reasonable”

I think I was sprayed by agent orange. Every spring I find myself chasing Chem Lawn trucks.

Thank you. I’m Tim Connelly.”

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