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Never the Same

I was 17 years old - the date was August 22, 1972. The day is still vivid in my memory 45 years later. 

I was home alone. My dad was at work and my mom was visiting my grandmother in St. Paul. The show Dark Shadows was on television and I had colorful, striped knee-high socks on that day. 

Two uniformed men came to our door. When I answered they asked me if I was home alone. They then told me that my brother, Bill, had been shot down over Quang Tri Province in Vietnam. His plane was observed being hit. The plane then flipped over and exploded on contact with the ground. No one was observed ejecting from the plane. Not good news. 

Portrait of a group of U.S. soldiers and admin.

We then drove to St. Paul to get my mom. During the 20 minute drive to St. Paul I can remember wondering why I wasn't crying. I even tried to cry but nothing happened. (Now I understand that I was in shock- but then I thought there was something wrong with me!) 

My brother, 1st Lieutenant William James Crockett (or Billy as I called him) was 9 years older than me. He was a handsome, smart, kind older brother. I adored him. His death left a hole in my heart and family that remains to this day. 

Life went on and I've had more than my share of joys and a few sorrows too, but his death marked my life.

When I look at the Vietnam Wall and see the 58,000 plus names on it I understand what each name represents: a unique, person-shaped hole in the hearts of untold numbers of mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, children and friends.

When I look at the Vietnam Wall and see the 58,000 plus names on it I understand what each name represents: a unique, person-shaped hole in the hearts of untold numbers of mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, children and friends. 

Bill's body was never recovered and he is still listed as MIA. For years the lack of closure would sneak up on me. All of a sudden I would find myself fantasizing about what I would do or feel if he suddenly walked through the door of my workplace. Or imagined that somehow he survived and I would find him again one day. 

I was at a Minnesota Twins game in 1986 - 14 years later - as we stood for the National Anthem I saw the flag and the POW/MIA black flag hanging there together and tears started coursing down my face. They seemingly came out of nowhere. 

I choke up and cry every time I see on the news the return of a GI to his/her family. I literally sobbed three different times watching a Hallmark movie called The Lost Valentine - and I rarely cry at anything. The loss is always there. 

Page 1 of a letter home.
Young U.S. soldier with two Asian soldiers.

Full transcripts of Bill's letters available at the bottom of the page.

Letter home to parents and sister.
Page 1 of a letter home.

As I've gotten older and understand the politics of the time I realize that the Vietnam War should never have started in the first place or at the very least we should have pulled out long before my brother died. His loss and those of so many others was a waste. 

I don't understand it; all I'm left with is that I need to trust in the sovereignty of God and that He can use all things for good. One of the good things that came from his loss was that it caused me to think about spiritual matters. I was a nominal Christian at the time and his death led me to a deeper walk with God through Jesus. 

His wife of 4 months told me that Billy was talking a lot with the Chaplain in the months prior to his death - always more faithful than I was, the stress and fear of where he was seemed to cause him to draw closer to God as well. I know I will see him again someday and that gives me great comfort.

Tombstone with yellow roses in vase next to it. October 23 1946 - August 22 1972.

Marker for Bill at Fort Snelling National Cemetery - in the MIA/body never recovered section.

Portrait of a young soldier in dress blues.

1st Lieutenant William James Crockett.

The other good, is that I am able to encourage and comfort those who experience the loss of a loved one through war or other tragedy. I understand because I have been there. 

Thank you for this opportunity. My brother had no children, and it won't be all that long before those of us who new him personally will no longer be here. I don't want him to be forgotten.

Biographical Details

Primary Location During Vietnam: Cottage Grove, MN, United States Vietnam location marker

Story Subject: Family

Read Transcripts of Letters Read Less

Transcript of letter from Friday, July 7, 12:30 PM

Dear Mom, Dad, and Gail;

Well first let me say that I'm so sorry I haven't written of late. It has been pretty busy getting ready to move and also getting settled here at Takhli along with flying and working in the frag shop. I've been laying the burden on Jan of late, as I have been having a rought time just getting a letter out to her each day.

As you know the wing has taken on an Air Defense role and we we rarely fly any bombing missions anymore, but instead just seem to be flying air defense missions in support of the strikes in N. Vietnam.

Jan and I are planning to get together in Bangkok, Thailand for our R&R. I figured there was a better chance in the future for us to get to Hawaii than there would be to get to Thailand. I think she will really enjoy seeing the orient it's so very unique. I think we'll probably go on a few tours to teh various temples and to the floating market. Also I thought we'd spend a couple days south of Bangkok at Patia Beach which is on the Gulf of Thailand and is supposed to be really nice. It tends to be the area the Jet Setters gather in Southeast Asia.

Right now I'm working in the Frag Shop as I have been trying to do a lot of of late. I'd like to fly but I want to fly nice safe strikes in Vietnam rather than the missions over the North. At least in S. Vietnam they don't have any Migs!

Tahkli is a pretty nice base. They're still building it up to what it was back when the air war was going on in 1968. We're living in a one story building, four to a room. I must say I'm lucky and have three really great roommates. We all play tennis and are learning to play bridge so we tend to be fairly independent from the rest. We're all married (that still sounds strange) so there is a lot we have in common and don't have to worry about anybody bringing in girls (Thai) or doing any late carousing. One thing you need around here is sleep and when you have a 0400am brief that means you've got to be in bed by 1000pm if you want to be alert the next day. North Vietnam is not the place to go with too little sleep or a hangover. We've had a number of engagements with Migs so far and I assume we will continue to have them until we come up with a way to thwart them. You can be sure that when I do go up there I take extreme care!

Gail I thank you ever so much for the card and letter it was really appreciated. I'm sorry I haven't written more often. I hope you all had a good time on your vacation and I wish I could have been with. You're right a month is a long time to be away from your husband. I know I'd never let Jan stay away that long from me, of course I'm completely helpless without her so that may be the difference.

Well the frag just came in so I've got to get to work on it. Please take care all of you and don't worry I'm doing the same. Hope the fishing is great up at the cabin this summer OVER

I sure wishe I could be up there to dip a line in the water too. I really enjoy going up to the cabin, I sure had a great time up there when we were home in November.

Take care now and I'll try to get another letter off soon.

Your son,

Bill

 

Transcript of letter from 23 Dec 71, 12:15 AM

Dearest Folks, and Gail;

Sorry I haven’t written lately but we’ve been flying a lot and I just barely managed to get my xmas cards off what with writing Jan everyday.

As I’ve mentioned before we work seven days a week and we also pull Duty Officer from midnight to 0600 like I’m doing tonight. 

Your letters have been just great and if I haven’t mentioned it before your gifts were wonderful and ideal. I’ve still got most everything you sent me. I’m very miserly with it. I hope my check got to you and you were able to get Dad his gift. As for you and Gail I haven’t had a chance to get either of you anything but I will, the only thing is I’d sure like to know what you’d like. Everything is so inexpensive, how about rubys, emeralds, gold (pure gold) bracelets or necklaces, star sapphires, silks, you name it and you’ll get it.

(2)

I’m sure you’ve read about the 6 F-4s that were shot down in a three day period. I ask you please don’t worry too much. The planes that got shot down were not doing things in a very safe way. Ever day we fly here there are people shooting at us, what mater is what you do to negate it. (1) you don’t fly a nice smooth course when you’re coming into a target, you move the plane all over the sky, up and down, side ways and about every two seconds before you drop the bombs you level off put the target in the sight and pickle off the bombs. Then as soon as you drop them you start moving all over the sky again as you climb away from the target. Two of the F-4s shot down weren’t doing this I presume. (2) When you bomb you try not to get below 4500’ above the ground. The biggest dangers around here are the rifles, pistols, and small machine guns. The’ve found if you stay above 4500 you’ll very likely never get hit. When we bomb we very seldom get below

(3)

5000’. We usually dive at the ground and a 45 degree angle and pickle the bombs off at 7000’ at 450 kts or mph. We then pull the plane up and usually the lowest point is about 3000’. You can ask dad how hard it is to hit a duck flying at 50 mph when it’s moving around.

Another plane was shot down by a SAM. When the weather is bad we sometimes drop our bombs while flying relatively high over certain known enemy roads. One of the planes shot down flew a nice straight line over the target but didn’t drop his bombs, he called over the radio and said he was going through dry (no bombing) and would drop them on his next pass. The Communists has all the info they needed. The altitude he would be at, his range and where he would be when he dropped the bombs. Instead of using radar to track him which gives you advance warning due to certain gear you have, they timed the missile so it would be at the same spot the same time he was there. Again, another pilot error.

(4) 

Not the two pilots who are in Hanoi right now with their two favs also made some bad judgement errors. The were chasing some Megs that show down an F-4. The two planes engaged them twice and after chasing them into N. Vietnam found their fuel a little short. They headed back across N. Vietnam after they had reached the coast. They had enough fuel to make it back but they also had SAMs to dodge and another flight of Megs to fight through. The lead pilot kept going west and his wingman low on fuel decided to head for the water and try and ditch the plane in the ocean where his chances of getting captured were very small, obviously Ken didn’t make it. He was in my class at George by the way. Let me correct myself here, Ken was captured after he left his leader, his big mistake, and his leader finally ran out of gas just inside the border. Him and his nav were rescued. The other crew was from the plane that was first shot down by Megs.

(5)

Now the crew that was shot down by the Mig also made a big mistake. We fly here in two shop formation. Each crew covers the other aircrafts 6:00 position which you can’t see yourself. That way a Mig can’t sneak up behind you without you knowing it. This plan filled up on a tanker and since there were a little late going to their assigned orbit they decided to go there while their wingman was still waiting to get his fuel. When his wingman go to the area all he hear was the sad and erry sound of the parachute beacons that are automatically activated when you eject from the plane. Obviously the Mig had snuck up behind him and zapped him.

What I’m trying to say with these little narratives is that they’re always waiting to catch you making mistakes and these people made them. When you run out of gas chasing a Mig

(6)

just because you want to be a hero all you’ve done is accomplished their goal of destroying American planes. Don’t worry about me all I want is to come home when my tour is over, medals and ribbons are not my idea of life. The price of flory is high and unfortunately these men paid the full price.

I realize this letter is a little depressing but I figured with them releasing the news of our losses you would really worry. So far I’ve had about 19 flights here, I haven’t see any flak yet (the big guns) but I’m sure they’ve been firing a lot of other stuff at use that you never see. But as I’ve said before we try and fly as safely as we can. No target is worth pressing the attack for, and if I have anything to say about it I’ll never do it.

I hope you all had as Merry a Xmas as possible. Take care, remember it’s a lot more dangerous driving your car in the states than flying over here. I love you all very much. God Bless.

Your son Bill

 

Transcript of letter from Fri 25 Feb, 2:30 PM

Hello All,

Say, you really surprised me with your package! It was really nice you shouldn’t have spent so much though.

Things have been going OK of late but what with work and flying I find it hard to keep up on eating and sleeping. Lately, mostly my fault, I’ve been eating about once a day and snacking on canned fruit and cookies on the side.

I forgot to ask in my last letter but how’s the car holding up. I don’t know what I’ll do if I go to Europe for 4 years, I guess I’ll either let Gail use it or sell it one of the two anyway. I sure love that little car and am really going to miss it.

Say another thing I forgot to ask about was how are you coming on the damage claims for my bike and fishing rods, they should have come to some decision by now.

(2)

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it so far, but two of the people that have been shot down and captured by North Vietnam were classmates of mine at George AFB in California. One of them was also in my NAV class while I was at Mather AFB. You can’t imagine how depressing it is to see your friends up there when you were just with them three months ago.

I hope everybody’s alright at home and in the best of health. Tell Steve and Sam hi! for me and as far as Mom and Gail are concerned I still have your gifts and will be mailing them out shortly. Say Dad, how’s that slide projector working, would you recommend it for me? Well I’ve got to get back to work. I promise to write more often from now on. 

Your Son, 

Bill 

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Story Themes: Correspondence, Cottage Grove, Death and Loss, Family, Gail Stanghelle, George AFB, George Air Force Base, Lindstrom, Memorial, MIA, Missing In Action, Pop Culture, Read, Religion, Siblings, Takhli Royal Thai Air Force Base, William Crockett

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